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Although
I don't have the original "Clown Group Has A Sad Outing
At Mall" article, I do know the facts: 17 college students,
led by "Baldy the Magnificent,'' went into a Madison,
WI mall to practice their 'art' - needless to say, shoppers
got annoyed and the clowns got kicked out (I love Madison)...
what follows here are two separate articles - one, a direct
response to the aforementioned article, and the other a
response / rant with the original response in mind. Confusing,
I know.. just read on and it should all make sense...
| Regarding
the article, "Clown group has a sad outing at mall"
July 25, certainly the actions of the security guard
at West Towne Mall who asked a mob of clowns to leave
the premises were understandable, if not laudable.
Clowns aren't pleasant to have around. Dysfuctional
adults in ill-fitting clothes and red ruber noses
aren't going to find themselves welcome in most places.
Anyone who has attended a parade, the circus, or any
other unfortunately clown-sanctioned event knows the
feeling of trepidation that accompanies the onslaught
of an oncoming clown. Slowly waddling by a crowd of
terrified children and thoroughly annoyed adults,
the loathsome clown always overstays his welcome.
As this right-thinking security guard understands,
people should be able to shop at a private mall without
attracting the woefully misguided attention of these
grease-painted maniacs.
-Samuel
P. Huntington, Madison
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And
now for a few thoughts regarding the above article...
Clowns
best left alone
By
Phil Giannotti
Setonian
A&E Editor
Clowns are evil.
That's
the bottom line. I don't think there has ever been an instance
where I have felt comfortable around a clown. They are scary
and intimidating, and they are always happy. Steve Edwards
would echo my sentiment when I say that clowns are just
too happy. Nobody is as happy as a clown, nor will they
ever be. This is why they are so scary.
It
all stems from "Poltergeist," my first bad experience with
clowns. That poor little girl got attacked by a crazy, possessed
clown. Wasn't that scary? My mom had an Emmitt Kelly clown
doll in her room, and for about three years after seeing
that movie, I could not sleep comfortably unless the clown
was, literally, locked in a closet.
So
the clown-as-evil-incarnate idea was planted firmly in my
head all the way back in 1983, or whatever year that was.
Then came Pennywise. For those of you who are not aware,
Pennywise is the clown in Stephen King's novel "It", and
his basic function is to hide in the sewers, trick kids
into coming over to him, grab them and then eat them. That
is terrifying. And the fact that it is being done by a stupid
man in a brightly colored outfit, with a giant red nose,
only makes it that much more terrifying.
In
fact, before I attempt to show instances of non-scary clowns
who are disturbing, please allow me to quote one Samuel
P.Huntington, of Madison (state not given, possibly because
he wrote this from his own personal planet somewhere near
Mars).Steven, I mean Samuel, wrote a response to an article
called, "Clown group has a sad outing at the mall," a true
story about a security guard who ushered a group of clowns
out of the mall for harassing shoppers.
"[The
security guard's] actions are understandable, if not laudable,"
writes Samuel. "Clowns aren't pleasant to have around. Dysfunctional
adults in ill-fitting clothes and red rubber noses aren't
going to find themselves welcome in most places. Anyone
who has attended a parade, the circus or any other unfortunately
clown-sanctioned event, knows the feeling of trepidation
that accompanies the onslaught of an oncoming clown. Slowly
waddling by a crowd of terrified children and thoroughly
annoyed by adults, the loathsome clown always overstays
his welcome."
Samuel
has touched on an interesting point in his short passage.
Clowns are adults who dress in funny outfits, wear stupid
red noses and greasy face paint. This is not normal behavior.
And as if this were not bad enough, they have the nerve
to give themselves names like Figgy, Fizzo, Ziggy, Slappy
and Boffo. Let's be honest here. How many of us would be
locked away for a long, long time if we just dressed in
a baggy yellowjumpsuit, wore red hair, gave people balloons
and asked to be called Stubbo the Clown?
Clowns
go to college. There is a school where people attend classes
and try to learn how to be a clown. What the hell does this
mean? I'm going to college, and hopefully I will do something
successful when I get out. These people are going to college,
and the most productive thing they will do when they get
out is spray someone in the face with a bottle of seltzer.
Is
it possible that there are people in Clown College right
now dreaming about seeing themselves on top of a fast food
franchise? Or on a popular TV show? (Aside from "The Simpsons,"
the only other series in which a clown played prominently
was "The Jeffersons", when Weezie saw the guy in the rabbit
suit kill someone on Halloween. Oh, wait. That wasn't a
clown. Nevermind.)
And
do you know who is 100% responsible for clowns? Mimes. That's
right, mimes. Here's a quick, over-opinionated statement.
All mimes should be beaten down, preferably with a large
wooden stick. Mimes are just plain annoying, because you
know they can talk, and they know they can talk, but they
just don't.
I hate
mimes and I hate clowns. They are horrible, ugly, pathetic
creatures that cause only sorrow and misery.
But
back to the subject at hand, which is clowns as evil creatures.
The main point is, the permanent facial expressions ofa
clown represents an unstable mind that cannot act like a
normal mind, similar to mine. Thus, they could be considered
insane. After all, didn't John Wayne Gacy dress like a clown?
Or if you don't like that rationale, consider the clown
as a possible victim of multiple personality syndrome. The
face says one thing, but the mind is drifting somewhere
else.
Seeing
as this column is on the same quality level, let's end this
with a little chat about "Killer Klowns from Outer Space,"
a truly rancid movie whose title pretty much says it all.
I would just like to say that I have seen "Killer Klowns
from Outer Space" more times than any normal human being
should. Nextweek: A full page synopsis of Stephen King's
"Sleepwalkers", which I have officially seen 17 times on
HBO. If anybody knows where I can get some good help, feel
free to call.
Run
across any great stories or articles on clowns lately? Tell
me about it
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